Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

As an infant, my daughter was determined to investigate the dog food dish…

She continued to crawl toward it despite being redirected, repositioned, and told “no”. My husband was going to let her get into it because she was so determined and I adamantly said, “NO! She must learn to respect our no because we know what is best and what is not.” Did you know that Merriam-Webster defines strong-willed as "very determined to do something even if other people say it should not be done"?

I have never liked being told what to do, but I want to do what is right. These things can co-exist, but they are in constant conflict with one another. The desire I choose to “feed” with my choices will determine if I become more like Jesus, or more set in my own ways and willing to dominate those around me. Daily I have the opportunity to choose what is right over what self desires. It’s easy to please myself just as it is easy to be a weak parent and give in to a child because he/she is determined to have or do something which is not good for him/her. My choices will either strengthen my Will or weaken it. A weak Will does not choose the hard path. it always chooses the easy way and gives in to emotion and Self. Matthew 7:13-14 says, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that lease to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

I have recognized that those labeled “strong-willed” have weak Will because they insist on pursuing what they want and do not allow their Will to be strengthened by choosing what is right.

The years of successfully parenting three strong willed children into strong, independent adults who love Jesus have helped me realize four key truths. I hope these keys will help you to strengthen your child’s Will as well as your own.

The Keys to Parenting Strong Willed Children:

Maintain Consistency:

Follow through in enforcing what you say. Don’t speak hastily and then retract an answer. If you say no, you must maintain the no. Too often an argument from the child told “no” causes us to change our answer or ignore behavior when the child goes against what we just said. This is serious. It’s the sin of disobedience and we are enforcing it. A negative answer can be explained if there is an argument from a child. But give that child your attention and be sure they accept your answer before moving on.

Your kids will exploit loopholes. Always. In our house, my husband traveled and so most questions were asked of me. But if Papa was asked his first response was always, “What did your mother say?” He never allowed our kids to play us against one another. Don’t allow manipulation in this regard, either, by answering a question while distracted or exhausted. This will pay off if you have a season of crisis because you won’t be emotionally bogged down by arguing. Kids will often ask questions when we are distracted or exhausted. It is easy to give in to Self during those times to make life “easier” in the moment. This will instead make life harder as you allow loopholes or manipulation of your time to occur. It’s good for humans to respect another who is tired or distracted and not push to exert their own desires onto others.

Don’t Engage in Power Struggles:

One of the difficulties with strong (weak) willed children is that situations tend to become power struggles if we seek to have children submit their wills to ours to control their behavior. This is not training or strengthening, it is domination. Power struggles can be eliminated if we don’t engage. As adults, we can make the more difficult choices not to react in anger, frustration, or fear. Diffuse this by NOT reacting but responding with a gentle and quiet tone of voice, in peace and reason.

Perhaps your child has difficult mornings. Maybe your family or teen has poor nighttime habits that contribute to a struggle to get up with an alarm. Or you could be tired from caring for a sick toddler or nursing a baby and have less control over your own words or actions. We don’t have to engage in a power struggle – especially first thing in the morning! Teens should be learning to get up on time and be prepared for their day. Set a time to talk with them about what they can do. Offer encouragement to do what is right, rather than rewards. The strongest inducement is that the child will desire to live a life that is God honoring because of their own love and devotion to Him.

Reset, Don’t Repeat:

When homeschooling, instead of insisting that your child power through a difficult lesson, take a break! Come back to it the next day. It would be better to come at it fresh rather than when tears are pouring down and frustration is mounting. Or, be prepared to sit with the child, add a cup of tea and a cookie to sweeten the moment of a difficult test or subject. Ask how you can help the child, rather than demanding a specific response. “How can I help you get through math today?” “Let me give you a hug and pray together about it”.” Maybe we need a tutor to help smooth this out.” These types of responses ease us into a reset of the situation, rather than a repeated battle of wills or an argument. We can still teach our kids to persevere as we come back with a fresh perspective another day.

Channel your child’s desires for independence:

Strong willed children can be very capable children. Channel the desires to do things, to be independent, into choosing crafts, sports, household chores, animal care, food preparation and clothing. Children love to be helpful and participate in life with you. Welcome them and allow them to assist in life. It feeds some of those natural inclinations to do things in a way that can be guided by a parent and made useful.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” - Galatians 6:9